Thank god this is all coming to an end. Soon, we’ll be able to turn on the news and hear about something other than email scandals, or border walls, or poll numbers, or rigged elections. Life will be good again. No, life will be great again.
These are the things we tell ourselves to get through the day.
But don’t kid yourself. I see you over there, throwing your hands up in despair, crying “I’m so sick of this election!”, only to only to check your Twitter feed for the latest scandal/gaff/leak. Admit it, you’re not sick of this election. You can’t get enough of it!
What are you going to do when it’s all said and done? What’s going to thrill you, baffle you, enrage you, like this election? The Voice? Dancing with the Stars? Big Brother? Not likely. This election is the best reality TV we’ve ever seen.
But, as Lois Lowry wrote, “nothing gold can stay.” So embrace it, Ponyboy, because soon it will all be gone.
The best way to pay our early respects to this election isn’t to mourn its loss, but to celebrate its life.
Let’s go back to July, a simpler time. A time before dramatic poll fluctuations. Clinton was comfortably ahead of Trump. She had just punched old Bernie in the glasses and taken everything he worked for. Things were looking good for our pal Hillary.
Then the conventions happened. And Trump stood at the podium and read carefully from a teleprompter. He didn’t threaten nuclear war, he didn’t incite violence, he mocked exactly zero disabled journalists. The American people saw this and thought, “that’s pretty presidential!”
And his numbers went through the roof. By the end of the conventions, Hillary and Trump were neck-and-neck. It was a dead heat.
But then the teleprompters disappeared and, coincidentally, so did Trump’s ability to appear presidential. He lashed out at Khizr Khan, the father of a slain army officer, and people thought that maybe he wasn’t fit lead the free world. His numbers tanked.
Then the debates happened and, just when it seemed like Trump would climb out of the ditch he dug for himself, he tripped over and fell right back in.
Now he’s back at it, slowly climbing out of the ditch. But the election is only a couple of days away and, if the polls are to be believed, the American people are ready to kick him back in and bury him for good.
What’s next for Donald Trump? What’s next for Hillary Clinton? Here are the odds!
Hillary Clinton: 1/2
Donald Trump: 2/1
Gary Johnson or Jill Stein: haha, no.
If only tweets equaled votes, eh Don?
Odds he accepts/acknowledges defeat: 2/3
Odds he gives the customary concession speech: 9/11
Odds he runs for President again: 13/7
Odds he runs for another political office: 22/3
Odds he investigates voter fraud: 1/9
Odds he creates a new reality TV show: 1/4
Odds he becomes a spokesperson for Just For Men: 500/1
Odds he becomes a hand model for children’s gloves: 1000/1
Odds he enters a beauty pageant: 23/2
Odds he moves from the US: 1000/1
Odds he builds a wall around Trump Tower: 17/3
Odds the following Trumps run for President:
Ivanka Trump: 25/1
Donald Trump Jr: 97/3
Eric Trump: 97/3
Tiffany Trump: 1000/1
Odds she congratulates Trump: 1/99
Odds she runs for President again in 2020: 1/1
Odds she’s charged pursuant to her email scandal: 9/1
Odds Trump actually tries to have her arrested: 50/1
Odds she becomes a spokesperson for a pantsuit maker: 99/1
Odds she becomes a spokesperson for an online security company: 1000/1
Odds she never sends another email: 5000/1
Odds Chelsea Clinton ever runs for President: 1/1
Photo credit: Gage Skidmore (flickr) CC BY-SA 2.0 [http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0], via Flickr.
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