Friends, let me start with a full disclosure: I haven’t been operating at 100% this week. It seems the turn of the seasons has also meant a turn in disposition for me. Don’t worry, I will survive, but if you are wondering why this week’s Round-Up is a little shorter than usual, whatever battle is being waged inside my body right now is partly to blame. There is also the fact that a number of shows ended last week (and the one before), but we knew that was coming. I’ll take at least some of the blame.
That explainer out of the way, let’s get right into it. It was an incredible week on The Voice, with not one, not two, but several jaw-dropping performances. Vicki and Tamra might actually talk soon on Real Housewives, and, oh! Survivor is back! (Although I may or may not be a week late to the game with that announcement.)
I hope you enjoy reading about it as much as I enjoy laying on my couch with a glass of wine watching it.
Where we’re at: Picking up where we left off last week, Dario and Veronica were voted into the elimination challenge. At the double-cross, Tori picked Aneesa, and Jordan chose Tony — meaning Aneesa and Tony met with Dario and Veronica at the Presidio. The fellas went first, and Tony pulled out a win, sending Dario home. As for the ladies, Aneesa was eliminated — again. But, surprise! Host TJ announced the losers were heading to the Redemption House, which really annoyed everyone except Dario and Aneesa.
This week’s Challenge was called “Blackout.” Teams of five were locked in a blacked-out box and had to scrape paint off the windows, revealing numbers which they used to unlock a pick axe. They then used that pick axe to break the window and escape the box, all to put together a three-dimensional puzzle.
The Green Team (Veronica, Tony, Jordan, Britni and Kailah) won the Challenge, with a lot of help from Veronica.
What’s next: Next week the other teams will head to the Presidio, where we will continue to whittle down our players, one by one.
Odds that Aneesa gets redeemed again: 5/4
Crazier things have happened, you guys. It would definitely be in keeping with the Dirty theme, after all.
Odds of Veronica getting eliminated next week: 20/1
Veronica is one of the toughest female competitors on the show, so her chances of going home are fairly slim.
Where we’re at: After all that build-up, it was finally “Balls Voyage” for Doug’s, erm, delicate bits. We have heard Lydia and the other Wives discuss, ad nauseam, the many (incorrect) details they assumed would be a part of Doug’s procedure, but this week we got to experience the distinct pleasure of watching someone proven wrong as they, at long last, saw a surgeon. Coming as no surprise for most of us, Doug underwent a relatively minor day surgery that involved no cutting or severing of delicate bits. Honestly, it worries me a bit how uninformed this entire group of people was about the whole thing. Was no one asking any questions? What websites did they use to research the procedure? Did they research the procedure at all?
The after-party was hosted on a boat, which you have to appreciate. One, because of course it was hosted on a boat! (Lydia was not about to cheap out on her chosen theme.) But, also, because said boat never actually went anywhere, perfectly mirroring what was about to happen to the balls we were supposed to be saying “bon voyage” to.
Post-boat party, we cut to Vicki and Kelly getting colonics. Quite the transition, I know. Vicki must have been feeling rather vulnerable, as she was suddenly crying, telling Kelly all about how she just knows she will die of a broken heart. Vicki was uncertain what happened to her friendship with Tamra, although every single person watching (Kelly included, I’m sure) has a strong gut feeling that it’s because Vicki is kind of awful.
Elsewhere, Shannon and her momma were having some good heart-to-heart chats. You can tell this visit was much needed by Shannon, as it didn’t take long for the tears to flow. She opened up about her weight gain and about her marital strife, which, as the editors would have it, became all the more obvious this week.
Last, but certainly not least, Peggy and Diko were Peggy and Diko, meaning she didn’t like his shoes, and they both talked about her cancer/not-really-cancer experience some more.
What to expect: We were left with the impression that Tamra and Vicki are really going to reunite next week. God, I hope so. First, so we can just get it over with already. But, also, honestly, because I’m rooting for them. Listen, would you spend this much time and energy thinking about, talking about, complaining about the loss of a friendship that didn’t really mean anything to you? No, you wouldn’t. You would shrug your shoulders and move on — but these two can’t do that. I think they really miss one another, and I hope they can find some sort of resolution.
Odds that Lydia still doesn’t know what a vasectomy is: 4/9
Knowing that Lydia has spoken with an actual doctor should make it easier to assume she understands the procedure Doug just underwent, but unfortunately it doesn’t. It really doesn’t.
Odds that Vicki and Tamra finally lay their issues to rest next episode: 2/1
If I had a dollar for every time I wrote a sentence about Vicki and Tamra hashing their issues out … It feels like each episode is trying harder than the last to convince us that next week is the week. But what will we talk about each week if Tamra and Vicki become friends again? What dramatic tension will lunch hold? Will Lydia and Meghan be able to step their game up enough to satiate our appetites for disaster?
Odds of Shannon and Michael staying together: 6/1
The couple are actively in counselling, and by all accounts “trying” to make things work. But, honestly you guys, it doesn’t seem to be working. I know, I know, things take time, but the only thing time seems to be doing in this case is making things worse.
Where we’re at: The thing I love about The Voice is that everyone who steps on stage has already proven that they can sing — they aren’t here just for a blooper reel of hilarious auditions. So you know each week that you are going to hear something good. But, hoo-boy! Was this a week or what?
Highlights from last week:
What to expect next: If the level of showmanship and performance so far is any indication, we can expect some more next-level performers.
Odds that Davon Fleming ends up in the finale: 1/3
Davon Fleming has a voice best described as “heavenly.” Straight up heavenly. Jennifer threw a shoe at him! Miley loved him so much! For such good reason, you guys. Boy can sing, sing, sing. If he does not make it to the end, or very near to it, it will be an honest-to-God travesty.
Odds of Emily Luther getting a record deal regardless of winning: 4/9
You may recognize Emily Luther from her YouTube beginnings where she appeared with her friend Charlie Puth — yes, that Charlie Puth. Luther actually did get signed alongside of Puth, but left LA because of what she called the toxicity of the industry. Perhaps she is just a bit more prepared for what comes after getting discovered than she once was.
O/U how many females Adam will have on his team: 3
He is sitting at two, but had a pretty hard time even securing those. His theory is the wedding ring is turning people off. My theory is that Jennifer Hudson is also a judge.
Well, karma’s a bitch, you guys; now, I have to condense two weeks of action into one Round-Up, and keep it relatively interesting. I better stop wasting space and get right to it.
The theme for the 35th season of Survivor is quite the mouthful: Heroes v. Healers v. Hustlers. It’s not my favorite, but considering no one consulted me on the issue, my guess is that no one really cares. The Three H’s are also the names of the three tribes, and (shocker) the predetermined characteristics of the contestants in each tribe. Not that this matters, because we all know people are going to shuffle around the game board pretty quickly.
Ok, I said no more wasting words! The premiere kicked off in much the same way every season of Survivor kicks off: people jumping off boats, supplies in hand, and racing to light a torch first. The Healers made it first, winning themselves a fire kit (edit: bonfire); the Heroes came second, earning a flint; and, the Hustlers well … didn’t hustle hard enough.
The first immunity challenge went like so: 1) Race up a cargo net to the top of a tower, 2) pull a really heavy cart up to top of tower, 3) get in said cart to ride back down to bottom, 4) find a table maze that will be completed by getting three balls in two holes (perfect place for a “That’s What She Said” joke, amirite?), then 5) pull that maze up to the top of the next tower (I’m exhausted just thinking about all this) where two people will do the maze.
The Healers came in first, the Hustlers second, with the Heroes coming in last — meaning the Heroes had to vote someone off, and that someone was Katrina.
This week, the immunity challenge went underwater and had contestants maneuvering puzzle pieces through a cage — and once again saw the ‘worst’ team (Healers) move to first, while the ‘first’ team (Hustlers) shimmied all the way down to last place. The Hustlers had to make a choice between two people: Banshee Patrick or Simone-of-the-Sea. (These nicknames do make sense. Patrick screamed, “I’m a wild banshee!” and Simone pooped in the ocean.) Ultimately, Simone was sent home, which was for the best, considering she was upset there was no air conditioning on the beach.
What to expect next: Some show-mances and allianes are starting to form, so next week I would expect to see a bit more development on that side. As we all know, alliances are a pretty big part of Survivor, so these contestants better start pairing up.
Odds that Cole and Jessica enter a showmance: 4/11
Everyone’s got to pair up with someone, and we all know the most attractive people get picked first. I’m sorry, you guys! I don’t make the Survivor rules. I wish I did, but I don’t.
Odds of Patrick the Banshee getting voted off next chance his tribe has: 5/4
I’m reserving some of my judgement simply because we don’t really know Patrick outside his banshee ways quite yet. I don’t necessarily want to keep watching, but if there is anything a banshee is good for it is reality TV. Just ask Josh Martinez.
Odds that Survivor makes it to 40 seasons: 1/5
Someone once famously said that the only things we will be left with after a nuclear holocaust will be Cher and cockroaches. I would like to edit that to say: Cher, cockroaches and Survivor. It has been 35 seasons, you guys!
Feature Image: Miley Cyrus (Wikimedia [CC License])
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