Guess who’s back, back again? It’s me! I’m back — tell all of your reality TV-loving friends that it’s time for another round-up of today’s biggest, best, and somehow-also-worst reality shows. If you remember, last week was all over the map in almost every single way: emotionally, physically, personally, even spiritually. This week was a bit more stable, albeit a bit more intense. Some of our favorite shows are starting to wrap up, or at least they are getting ready to wrap up, so the competition is becoming more laser-focused and fierce. And, some of our shows just seem to bring people to tears over, and over, and over.
Things are, across the board, heating up.
So, come bask in the heat with us, won’t you? It feels really great on the ol’ bones.
Where we’re at: Somewhere in Big Brother land there is one sad, confused Meatball with incredibly swollen eyes. If I had to sum up this week in two words, it would be this: Josh cried. If I had two more words, I’d go with: Josh cried so much. Josh cried in the hot tub with Jason, presumably overcome with emotion at the thought of stabbing Jason in the back; he cried after Jason was evicted, and Paul called him out on some stuff; he again cried as Raven was getting evicted, calling after her that he was so, so sorry; and, he cried some more when the final five contestants were back at home for the night. Poor, poor Meatball.
Also, watch out, Meatball! Don’t go shooting off your mouth about Paul and his precious plans so willy-nilly. Paul Abrahamian is a force to be reckoned with at this point, and you, poor Josh, are just one of his remaining pawns. Do you think that he will take kindly to your exposé of his plans to Jason?
What’s next: With only a couple weeks left, and only five Houseguests remaining, the rubber is truly about to hit the road. We all know that Paul plans to win the game, and he plans to keep his hands relatively clean while doing so. How? By spreading the blame (and bloodshed) out as far as he can. However, now that Jason is back at the Jury House with the knowledge that his eviction was part of Paul’s scheming, what difference could that make in the final decision? Has Josh unknowingly handed over the antidote to Paul’s spell? Only time will tell.
Also, Julie Chen announced this week that the first American version of Celebrity Big Brother is coming this winter. And now our minds are reeling with the possibilities of who these celebs could be.
Odds that Paul makes Josh cry next week: 1/8
I mean … yup, it’s going to happen.
Odds that Alex is nominated next week: 1/3
Alex is one of the stronger players left in the game, which we know Paul knows. With only a couple weeks left, the cuts are going to start getting even more precise.
Odds of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt being on Celebrity Big Brother (again): 50/1
“Speidi” already appeared on the UK’s version of Celebrity Big Brother, although that doesn’t necessarily mean they would say no to the American iteration. The couple is sort of famous for being terrible with money, and are basically professional reality TV contestants. But considering Heidi is expecting a baby in October this year, chances are pretty slim that she’ll be ready for another Big Brother house anytime soon — at least before the end of the year.
Where we’re at: I don’t know if it’s possible for me to extol the growth and talent of the Top Eight dancers enough. Any reservations I had are long gone, and in their place, only shivers. Well, shivers and a few tears, because you cannot make me watch people dance to Maya Angelou reciting “Still I Rise” and expect there to be zero tears. You just can’t. You also can’t expect me to watch some of the strongest, hardest-working dancers on this show get sent home anymore. You just can’t.
Highlights from Last Week:
Bottom Three: I can’t quite understand the process America used to figure this one out. Kaylee, Mark and Kiki were the Bottom Three.
Eliminated: Mark. To be perfectly frank, what?! Sure, his routine this week wasn’t my favorite, and his solo relied a little too much on a one-handed hand stand — but can you do that, America? I sure can’t. Mark was one of the hardest working dancers out there, so I don’t know, you guys. I don’t know.
What’s next: Next week, we’ll watch the Top Seven dance their way (hopefully) into the Top Six. If history repeats itself, Kaylee will find herself in the Bottom Three again, poor thing.
Odds Kaylee is Bottom Three this week: 4/9
I mean, it kind of feels like her spot has been reserved there at this point, doesn’t it?
Odds Kiki is Bottom Three this week: 5/4
How America doesn’t love him with the same passion I do is beyond me, but the simple truth is that while Kiki has improved immensely over the past few weeks, there are just some incredibly strong and prolific dancers left in the competition.
Odds Logan goes home next week: 20/1
Our sweet dance alien has come in absolute peace, and is not going home anytime soon.
Where we’re at: We picked up right where we left off, with Hunter and Cory going toe-to-toe for elimination. In a photo finish Hunter was announced as the winner, and Cory was shipped off to the Redemption house with Aneesa, where they wasted no time in hooking up — or so we assume. The daily challenge this week: Triviaaaa! The questions were based off of past seasons and the current season of the show — with a dirty twist, of course. When one player answered a question correctly, they got to strike another player. If a player answered incorrectly, they received a strike. Once a player had received three strikes, they were out. Camila won for the girls, and Tony for the guys.
Speaking of Tony, back at the house he spent significant amounts of time telling everyone how he was going to propose to his girlfriend, Alyssa, but then after a night out at the club celebrating Cara Maria’s birthday, things took a slight left turn. Tony and Camila went all out in the back of the bus — yes, Tony, who was just talking about proposing to his girlfriend. No one was comfortable with it.
What’s next: Well, I’m pretty sure Tony and Camila are going to have to explain what all that was about at some point.
Odds that Tony and Camila address the back-of-the-bus situation next week: 4/3
Odds that Tony wins another challenge this season: 20/1
Where we’re at: Remember the sweet little tête-à-tête that ended last episode? That feeling of peace and forgiveness we marvelled at between Kelly and Shannon? Do you remember the amazement you felt thinking that we may just get back to watching rich ladies being rich, without a fight every single week? Well, lock those memories in tight, because soon that is all they will be. It turns out that pretty much right after the St. Patrick’s Day Peace Talk, Shannon and Kelly met up again, and Kelly thought Shannon was trying to record their conversation — presumably to humiliate her later on. Then Kelly and Meghan went out shopping for a baby crib; Meghan encouraged Kelly to hear Shannon out in an attempt to keep the peace, and then proceeded to call Shannon, herself, to tell her about Kelly’s concerns. Shockingly, Kelly actually listened to Meghan’s advice regarding Shannon, but when she found out that Meghan had put herself in the middle … things got heated … at drag queen bingo.
Things were tense to begin with, but once Tamra’s psychic, Scott, showed up, it really came to a head. Tamra decided, in front of Kelly, to ask Psychic Scott whether or not Kelly would be nice to her. Match struck. Kelly then asked Psychic Scott whether or not Meghan would be nice to her, and suddenly we were watching Kelly and Meghan battle it out. To her credit, Meghan did try to say goodnight to Kelly at the end of the evening, but it was pretty much ignored.
Elsewhere, Peggy was in New York with her daughter visiting schools and Vicki was telling her boyfriend Steve how much she wants a ring — and telling all of us about her and Steve’s sex life.
What to expect: Previews for this coming week show Vicki asking Tamra to have coffee with her (to talk things out, I assume). However, we also have former Housewives Gretchen Rossi and Lizzie Rovsek returning for the episode, which makes me wonder if the producers are getting anxious that the drama is settling down a bit too much for ratings.
Odds that Tamra and Vicki actually get to have their coffee date: 1/3
Odds that Kelly and Meghan mend their rift next episode: 5/4
I think their lunch date/coffee date/heart-to-heart will happen, but next episode might be a little soon.
Odds of Steve proposing to Vicki this season: 9/1
Where we’re at: At the start of this week, basically everyone in Paradise was coupled up. We had Derek and Taylor, Robby and Amanda, Adam and Raven, Jack and Christen, Daniel and Lacey, Dominique and Diggy, and yes … Dean and Danielle L. Then, Jaimi — who had to remind everyone that she was open to dating both the men and women — showed up, and took Diggy right out from under Dominique’s nose. This led Dominique to lament that she could be leaving Paradise alone. Dominique, if you do, consider yourself blessed, because none of these fellas are going to do you any good in the real world.
Just as Danielle L. was telling us all how great it was that Kristina went home (oh yeah, Kristina is gone!) the twins showed up — that is, Emily and Haley. They literally announced themselves as being there “to f— sh– up”, to which Chris Harrison responded, “Give ’em hell.” Emily tried really hard to convince Dean to go on a date with her, even asking Danielle L. if she would mind. (Yes, she would, Emily.) But to the shock of everyone in my living room (me), he refused more than once.
Honestly, the twins made this the most exciting episode we have had to date. When they realized the men they wanted to date (Derek and Dean) weren’t available, they settled for “two douchebags” — Jonathan and Jack. When Jack decided last minute not to go, so he could hang out with Christen, Haley shouted “F— everybody here,” storming off with her sister to throw scallops everywhere. Literally.
Jack, it turns out, made the right choice sticking with Christen, and he even admitted to the cameras that he could see himself falling in love with her. Similarly, Derek admitted to Taylor that he could see the same thing with her. Taylor admitted to the camera that she wanted to “lean into that,” which is both the least romantic but also best way of saying it.
What’s next: Hopefully more sh– disturbing from Haley and Emily, because that was the most entertaining episode of BIP I have seen all season. Derek and Taylor are going to lean into one another, in more ways than one, most likely. Dean is hopefully going to redeem himself in the eyes of me, myself and I, proving that he can be a loyal boyfriend, after all. And Dominique is probably going to leave Paradise alone.
Odds of Dean staying faithful to Danielle L.: 4/9
He resisted twice in one episode — there may be hope for Sweetheart Dean, yet!
Odds of Dominique leaving next week: 5/4
Odds of either Emily or Haley breaking up a couple before the end of the season: 3/1
They came here with a mission, and have Chris Harrison’s blessing to not take “No.” for an answer. Also, we know they’re more than willing to speak their mind. However, their slightly, er, aggressive approach may not be what people are going to respond to.
Where we’re at: One semi-final round done, with six acts getting sent home and five moving on the Finals! Before the results were aired Tyra Banks informed us that there was a record-breaking amount of votes cast for this round, and that the three acts up for the Dunkin Save are: Chase Goehring, Eric Jones, and Evie Clair. Also, last season’s act The Clairvoyants showed up to wow us with their tricks, and I am genuinely spooked, because they were able to make a blindfolded Howie Mandel think he was being touched when they were actually touching Mel B. Put them through, again.
What to expect next: Next week will be the second semi-final round, giving us all of our Final Acts.
Odds of Celine Tam getting through to the finals: 4/9
You know people love our girl, Celine! She has a strong chance at making the Top Three, and is a definite crowd favorite.
Odds of Chase Goehring being eliminated: 5/4
Odds of Sara & Hero being in the Top Three: 11/8
People love dogs, you guys. I don’t know what else to say, other than people really love dogs and will vote for a dog over a human most days of the week.
While none of the famous players are, like, big-league-Gaga-famous, they are pretty fantastic. The cast will include: Tiffany “New York” Pollard (she survived dating Flava Flav, so this should be a cake walk for her!), Alaska Thunderf–k (of Ru Paul’s Drag Race), and Drita D’Avanzo (an actual mob-wife).
Odds of Drita D’Avanzo scaring the ghosts away: 1/4
Odds of seeing any paranormal activity on camera: 9/1
Featured photo: Simon Cowell (Jonny at English Wikipedia [CC License])
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