It’s amazing how perfectly attuned the seasons and reality TV were this week. While we were waving goodbye to summer, watching as it slowly made room for fall, we were also waving goodbye to some of our favorite summer programming, making way for more autumnal pleasures (think, Kardashians and The Voice). What beautiful symbolism, hey guys?
Remember how. only last week. we were wondering who would reign supreme in the Big Brother House? Or which talented pre-teen would win the hearts of Americans everywhere? Well, now we know, and let me tell you that one of the above was an honest-to-goodness shock to my system.
Whether you are wondering what on earth I was just talking about (if it’s your first time in these parts, hello and welcome), what my opinion on Kiki Nyemchuk is (just kidding, you already know), or what I think about the Kardashians coming back to TV for another turn around the sun, you’ve found yourself in the right spot!
Where we’re at: Wait. What?! Hold on, one second. Josh Martinez is the official winner of Big Brother 19? MEATBALL won?! Those were not the words I expected to hear Wednesday night. It all seemed so inevitable. Paul had played his game at a near-spooky level, causing me to seriously consider whether or not the man was still in full possession of his soul. Look, all I am saying is that I wouldn’t be overly shocked to find out that there is a sea-witch somewhere wearing a magic seashell necklace containing a portion of Paul Abrahamian’s soul. Honestly, how else can you explain the type of sway that he held over the House the entire season.
The entire season up until the bitter end, that is. And what a bitter ending it was for poor Paul.
Things got off to a good start for Paul as he won the first round of the final HoH competition — which involved unicorns farting confetti in the contestants’ faces, in a perfectly-executed representation of what this show did to us every week this summer. He was through to the final three, and the board looked set in his favor. But looks can be deceiving, guys. Josh then won the last two rounds of the competition, meaning he got to decide whether Christmas or Paul came through to the final two with him.
To his credit, Josh chose wisely. Ol’ Pots-N-Pans Martinez may not have been the most likely player to come through in the clutch, but again, looks can be deceiving. Can I belabor my point enough? No, I cannot. Josh saw Paul for the brilliant-though-possibly-villainous puppeteer he was (is?) and knew that his best chance at $500,000 was to count on the Jury seeing the same thing. It was a risky move, but it paid off handsomely as the vote came in 5-4 in favor of the Meatball.
(Sidenote: If you haven’t yet watched Paul and Josh reacting to the vote, stop what you are doing and go do so, please. You can actually pinpoint the exact moment Paul feels his first true emotion — spoiler alert: it’s embarrassment. You can also make a thousand memes from the pageant-worthy face Josh serves us. Worth it, guys.)
Now, I’m fully aware how much time we could spend debating my next statement, but I genuinely feel like Paul was straight up robbed this season. I get it, I get it. He had a fatal flaw (who doesn’t?), and it was that he forgot to factor in just how damn bitter a person can get after being screwed over/lied to/given false confidences. Maybe his scary ability to turn emotions on and off at the drop of a hat made it hard for him to remember that other people feel things on a deeper, more visceral level. Who knows?! What I do know, however, is that he played the game harder and smarter than anyone from day one, and I just wish the Jury were a bit more willing to admit that.
And yet, the people have spoken, and just like that another season comes to an end.
What’s next: According to Josh Martinez, “Accountant! Accountant, accountant, accountant!” And giving back to his parents — who, he assured us, don’t expect anything, because that is what America is concerned with at the moment: whether or not Mr. and Mrs. Martinez expect anything from their lil’ Meatball. Oh, and he said he might be back in six months’ time “pots and pans, and all.” Cue the slow fade to black, circus music playing on a loop as we go …
Odds of Josh Martinez coming back as a vet next season: 1/3
Boy’s got that sweet taste of victory now. Seeing him again should come as no surprise to any of us.
Odds of Andrew Dice Clay being a contestant on Celebrity Big Brother: 5/2
Mr. Dice Clay may be Julie Chen’s dream contestant for the first season of Celebrity Big Brother, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he will actually be on it. Although, I wouldn’t want to be the one saying no to Ms. Chen.
Odds that Paul plays a third season of Big Brother: 10/1
Is he going to risk feeling emotions again? Emotions sink ships, or something like that. It’s a loose interpretation, but you get the idea.
Where we’re at: We have only one week left, my friends, one week until America crowns its favorite dancer, which means, sadly, it’s only one week until I have to resort to Insta-stalking Kiki in order to get my fill. Thank all the powers that be, there were no eliminations this week. You can come for me next week, emotions, but not this one. No, not today. Today, I will simply bask in all the good vibrations Travis Wall and Mia Michaels have orchestrated for me. Yes, today, I will jump on board the Hot Tamale train one last time, I will gladly gasp at the revelation of a showmance, and you know I will soak up every last swish-swish of Kiki’s swaying hips.
I have loved this season of So You Think You Can Dance so much, you guys. It restored my faith in the franchise, reminding me why I fell in love with the show all those years ago. While I don’t think I am emotionally prepared for this train to reach its terminus, I am also wildly excited to see Koine get the recognition she deserves. I mean, she’s going to win, right? We all have to be on the same page here, okay? Let’s say it together now: Koine for the win.
Got it? Good. Vote well, my friends.
Highlights from Last Week:
Eliminated: No one, this week!
What’s next: This coming week we find out who America’s Favorite Dancer is, and I believe it should come down to Koine and Lex.
Odds of Lex winning Season 14 of SYTYCD: 4/9
I think that Lex has the best shot at winning this season, although it is no secret that I firmly believe Koine deserves it. Lex has been a crowd favorite from the very beginning, is an incredibly proficient dancer, and is the only other person I will feel okay about winning.
Odds of Taylor coming back as an All-Star: 1/3
Odds of Kiki making the Top Three: 9/1
My dear, sweet Kiki has come so far. Like, so far. I will leave you with this: I’m just so proud.
Where we’re at: Unlike most of the other shows we have been following, we are only about halfway through this season of The Challenge. Am I the only person feeling as though more should have happened in these past ten episodes (in terms of actual gameplay)? Am I also the only person who feels as though this season has actually been much longer than only ten episodes, and that we are perhaps living in some sort of bizarro Groundhog Day type scenario?
The episode began on a boat. It was everything you could imagine a day on a boat with the Challenge contestants to be. What fun! But, as you know, every party on The Challenge must end in some sort of conflict. (It’s just one of those unspoken rules at this point, I think.) This time Johnny Bananas took it upon himself to get that party started. To be fair, I don’t know if he really realized that adults don’t always appreciate the same sort of practical jokes as 14-year-old boys on their first weekend away without mom and dad, but they don’t, Bananas. As a rule of thumb, they don’t. I should’t have to remind you of that, because didn’t you almost get beat up last time you pulled this prank on Derrick on the Ruins?
The next day, the contestants remaining in the regular house got taken out for a nice dinner, most likely as a comparison tool for us viewers to see just how gross the Challenge facing the Redemption-ers really is. I mean, I could have sussed out for myself how gross having to eat Hard Boiled Cow Eyes, Water Rat, or Pig Nose would be, but thanks for the help, producers. You’re doing great! Anyways, each contestant had to not only eat five plates of said gross food, but they had to run up a flight of stairs in between each plate, jump into a pool of mud, and grab a little ball-egg-thing that would contain either a rock or an emerald. If an emerald, they didn’t have to eat a plate! But, if a rock, they did.
Hunter won this one for the guys. As for the girls, Marie just decided not to do it. Plain and simple, easy-peasy; it’s been a slice, Marie! It was a close run between Aneesa and Nicole, but Aneesa ended up with the win after Nicole couldn’t stomach the cow eyes. I do not blame the girl.
We ended the episode with phone calls home — where Tony finds out that his girlfriend, Alyssa, knows about Camila. Damn, Gina; you made your bed, and I do not feel bad about you laying in it for a while.
What’s next: Next week we will get to the daily mission we didn’t get to this week. The preview makes it look like some sort of American Ninja Warrior course, which should make things interesting.
Odds that Aneesa gets voted right back into elimination: 1/10
The other girls have already all decided that this is the plan, so should Aneesa be granted Redemption back into the house, chances are it is going to be pretty short-lived.
Odds of Hunter and Nelson competing against one another in elimination again: 2/3
If Hunter returns to the Challenge house, he is going to have to work extra hard in order to not face Nelson in the daily mission again.
Odds of Johnny Bananas starring in his very own reality TV prank show: 2/1
Is this not a fantastic idea, you guys? Bananas has already made a career out of reality TV, why not add his oh-so-hilarious pranks to the mix? I’ve got a good feeling about this. Plus, it practically writes itself! Now, who do I talk to about getting a TV show? It’s not that hard, right?
Where we’re at: We are on a beach, at a volleyball game, saying goodbye to Kelly’s breasts. Oh, you read that right. We are on a beach, at a volleyball game that Kelly hosted, essentially as a pre-game for her “boob voyage” party — as you do. What, is this the first time you guys have heard about the traditional pre-breast-reduction volleyball game? Get out from under your rock, why don’tcha? And while we’re on the subject of breasts, Kelly’s weren’t the only ones getting attention. Peggy was also gearing up for surgery, however hers is reconstructive, a follow-up from her preventative double mastectomy. It is a painful surgery, not to mention an intimate one, so kudos to Peggy for opening up this area of her life to others (women, especially) and doing what she can in her sphere to educate her audience.
Our resident Friendship Whisperer, Lydia, was hard at work this week again, though I’m not sure whether she was attempting to repair or further tear down Vicki and Tamra’s relationship. She met with Tamra to tell her all about what happened at Vicki’s birthday party, confusing Tamra more about what Vicki’s true intentions are. Fair. Shannon also seems to be trying to help Tamra out, but her intentions felt a bit more selfish. Also fair, as Shannon is likely worried she will lose a good friend if Tamra and Vicki reconcile — but if she truly is a good friend, shouldn’t you want her to be happy, Shannon?
As for Vicki and Tamra, well … they finally talked. I use the term “talked” loosely here. Vicki had heard from someone that Tamra was upset at her for what happened at the party last week, because guys, she didn’t have anything to do with that. There is a huge difference, she wanted us all to remember, between talking about a rumor and spreading it. Debatable, but alright. So, as happens on Real Housewives of Orange County, when Vicki and Tamra finally decided to hash things out (obviously during Kelly’s party) things went down. Guns were blazing. Fires were roaring. Pitchforks were waving. I don’t want to keep you here forever, so let’s just say that Vicki did not look good at the end of the night. There was a lot of screaming, a lot of accusing, and a lot of denial. Vicki, girl, remember that this is a TV show — the receipts are easy to find.
Not that Tamra looked great, either, but that’s a whole other story that doesn’t even involve Vicki, shockingly. It does, however, involve Lydia and Shannon getting into it with one another, and Tamra stepping so far back from it that even Kelly called her out for being a bad friend.
Now that’s a new low.
What to expect: Looks like we are going to have to have another party so that Tamra and Shannon can hash things out! Or, maybe so she and Vicki can continue their “conversation.” Actually, make that Lydia, Shannon and Tamra, because Lydia definitely has some stuff she needs to say. Except that poor Shannon also needs to have a lunch with Peggy to sort out Peggy’s negative feelings about Shannon’s presence in the Tamra-Vicki situation. And what about Meghan? Meghan may possibly want to have dinner with everyone at some point. She might have a baby, but she ain’t dead, guys!
Odds that Meghan hosts a dinner and invites everyone over: 9/1
“Everyone” is a relative term on Real Housewives of Orange County, isn’t it? Do we really mean “everyone,” or do we mean everyone minus the one or two people you’ve currently got beef with? Either way, it’s not hugely likely that Meghan will host her sometimes-friends all at the same time.
Odds of Tamra and Vicki talking about their issues without yelling: 20/1
I truly had hope we could get there last episode — at least, until Vicki opened her mouth. Short-lived hope, but hope nonetheless. It seems like the rift may be running too deep at this point for emotions to not be involved, which is, again, fair.
Where we’re at: America, we have a winner! On Wednesday night, 12-year old ventriloquist Darci Lynne Farmer beat out 10-year old singer Angelica Hale and dance troupe Light Balance to be crowned the winner of America’s Got Talent: Season 12. Darci Lynn was joined by her mouse, Oscar, and rabbit, Petunia, to sing a rendition of “With a Little Help From My Friends” that ended in a standing ovation from the judges.
What to expect next: Well, we know what is next, don’t we? Darci Lynne will be the recipient of a $1 million prize and her very own show in Las Vegas — quite an impressive feat for only 12 years old. It’s taken me about twice the amount of time to come up with far, far less.
Odds of Angelica Hale getting a record contract in the next year: 3/1
The 10-year old singer will be joining Darci Lynne for two performances at Planet Hollywood this November, however her own record deal may be a tougher sell.
Odds of Light Balance still getting their own Vegas show: 3/1
Don’t they seem like the kind of act you would find in Vegas? I’ll be honest, Darci Lynne is an incredibly talented young lady, but I would rather watch an hour of neon dancers than ventriloquism. However, there are clearly many, many people who disagree.
This Sunday the Kardashian’s 10th Anniversary Special airs, celebrating … you guessed it … their 10th year on TV! Now, it is important to note that while this is their 10th year on air, it is not their 10th season. The #tribe has actually managed to squeeze a whopping 13 seasons out of that decade — as if you needed further proof that they are the best at what they do.
Honestly, say what you will about the Kardashian-Jenner tribe, but these women are true blue moguls. They have been steadily building their empire ever since they came on the scene, effectively changing the game for good. They saw our incessant desire to know everything about everyone, capitalized on it, and now people shame them for it? Nah, I’m not here for that.
The Kardashians reign says far more about us than it does about them, after all. This family, full of chutzpah, just so happens to see us for what we really are: hungry for the unattainable. And, they’re feeding it to us, piece by piece, bit by bit, Snap by Snap. So, stop biting the hand that feeds, k?
A decade ago America didn’t have a royal family. Now, thanks to Kris, Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, Kendall and Kylie, we do — and they even have their own emojis.
Featured image: Kendall and Kylie Jenner (Flickr (Disney | ABC Television Group [CC License]))
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