Friends, welcome back.
It’s been an entire week since we last saw one another, and what a week it’s been! A lot went down in the last seven days, and I do not feel good about at least 50% of it. I still feel a certain level of shooked-ness over some of the decisions we as a country made this week, decisions that I am sure we will come to regret in short order. (If you’re not sure what or whom I’m referring to, then I apologize in advance for the sad news I am about to bestow on you.)
That being said, there was also some really good stuff mixed in there, so do not let me discourage you from reading! In fact, forget everything I just said about terrible decisions and levels of shooked-ness. Let’s focus on the good, or at the very least, the totally entertaining.
DISCLAIMER: This is a big one.
Where we’re at: Honestly, I don’t even really know how we got to this point, but I’m so happy we did. Here we are, in the home stretch of this game, and finally someone is truly waking up to Paul’s dictatorship — even better, that someone is Josh Martinez. That’s right, you guys. Ol’ Meatball himself had a straight up epiphany this week, and regardless of how much I think Paul deserves to win (is it still considered winning if you are playing against yourself?), I am pretty excited about the possibility of some actual game-play happening in these, the final days. Especially between these two game-players: one, the most obvious, and the other, the least.
See, after Raven and Jason were evicted, Josh really started paying attention. He is currently still one of Paul’s “allies,” but unlike Kevin and Alex, he’s suddenly savvy to the Bearded Wonder’s ways. As Paul switched from crying in front of Alex to grinning like a mad-man in a literal split-second, the proverbial apple hit Josh square on the head. It was a moment of true clarity for Joshie-boy as, suddenly, he was able to see Paul’s crocodile tears for what they really are: emotional manipulation to the nth degree.
Or, as Mr. Martinez put it, “[He] felt like [he] just saw the devil or something.”
What’s next: Things went down just how Paul planned last week, yes. All his plans “worked perfectly,” and it’s no surprise. But, but, does that mean he’s going to just keep getting his way now that there are 1) people sitting on the Jury who are woke to his game and 2) people (person?) in the House with eyes wide open?
It is debatable. On one hand, Paul is still gloriously pleased with his ability to “pull off the impossible” — Josh is HoH, after all (which was all part of Paul’s plan). On the other, we’ve got Josh talking to the camera, telling us all that he doesn’t “need somebody telling [him] what [he’s] going to do.”
What we know at this point is that Paul should not underestimate the Meatball. He might be able to get to the end on his own sorcerer-y merits, but he’s going to need the Jury to vote him into the winning position.
Odds of Christmas being up for elimination next week: 4/9
Odds that Josh tries to turn the remaining Houseguests against Paul: 11/8
Josh knows something that could help him win the game, depending, that is, on how he chooses to use that information. The most obvious route is to reveal Paul for what he is, hoping that this will be enough to break his mysterious spell over the other competitors. But is that the best move? In order to win the game, you need the votes of the Jury, and do you really want Paul in the Jury House casting his dark magic once again?
Where we’re at: I need a moment to compose myself before we begin. This week left me feeling, for lack of a better word, shooketh. Not only were we forced to endure a double elimination, we were forced to watch one of the strongest dancers left on the show say goodbye. Is it exciting that we are down to the Final Four? Sure. Is it heartbreaking that America made the wrong choice with one of them? One-hundred percent, it is.
Highlights from Last Week:
Bottom Three: This is where everything started going horribly wrong. In the Bottom Three we found: Koine (ex-cuse me?!), Kaylee, and Logan. I know. I know. Take your time absorbing that.
Eliminated: Kaylee and Logan, which is one of the worst mistakes America has made lately — and there have been some real doozies this year. In what world does Logan get sent home before Taylor? Someone explain this to me. Someone also find out if Logan will take me back to his home planet with him, as this one is clearly not for me.
What’s next: The finals! We find out who our top dancer is, and we get some good ol’ fashioned Mia Michaels lovin’!
Odds of Kiki signing to Dancing With The Stars after SYTYCD ends: 4/11
All I have to say — and the #daddykiki community agrees with me (I hate the name, too) — is, “Yes, more, please.”
Odds of the Top Three being Lex, Koine and Kiki: 4/9
Nothing against Taylor, but Lex and Koine are the strongest of the remaining dancers, and Kiki has consistently grown more than Taylor has this season.
Odds that Koine wins this season of SYTYCD: 5/4
Although she absolutely deserves to win (hands down, in my humble opinion), she is in no way a shoo-in at this point. The lanky obstacle that is Lex Ishimoto is going to prove hard to get past.
Where we’re at: Oh boy, where to start? I suppose the racist elephant in the room is as good a place as any. Remember last week when we thought the only scandal we would be talking about this week was about-to-propose-to-girlfriend-Tony smooching it up with not-his-girlfriend-Camila in the back of the bus? We were so young, so naive back then, because things got a whole lot worse very, very quickly this week. Pretty much as soon as Camila got off the bus, she got really weird. Like, sure, you’re drunk girl, but do you need to be humping the infrastructure of the house? I don’t think you do. But that was the relatively harmless part of her behavior.
During her drunken wanderings through the house, Camila happened to come across Leroy and Hunter discussing game strategies in Leroy’s room. Camila obviously did not understand what they were talking about, and after assuming they were talking dirty about her specifically, launched into an absolute tirade of racist remarks and slurs. Things escalated to the point that security had to intervene and eventually remove her from the room — and it is important to note here that Leroy did not do anything himself to escalate the scenario.
Now, while I do not want to repeat the specifics of what was said, I do want to express how utterly inexcusable Camila’s actions were. She blamed her words on the alcohol, but I think we all know at this point that alcohol doesn’t suddenly turn one into a racist. What came out of her was senseless, angry, and violent, and it was not the only time it has happened.
My only question remaining in this scenario is: How come Camila is still in the house?
Honestly, how come? People have been kicked out due to violent behavior before; what about her actions was not violent enough to warrant further action?
Back at the Presidio, Camila threw Nicole in for the ladies, making it Nicole vs. Britni for the girls, and Hunter vs. Nelson for the guys.
Who won? Britni and Nelson came out on top. And, I wish I could say anything more about this episode, but the awful taste in my mouth is making it hard to concentrate.
What’s next: Honestly, I hope some sort of ramification for Camila, but that feels like a pipe dream at this point.
Odds of Camila getting picked in the double-cross next week: 2/7
Considering how shocked everyone was as things went down in the house, it will not be any sort of surprise if and when Camila is picked to battle it out.
Odds of producers removing Camila from the show, post-incident: 9/1
If it were going to happen, it would have happened immediately.
Where we’re at: You guys, it’s only been ten episodes, but there is a possible peace talk in the works between Tamra and Vicki. That didn’t take long, hey? (You can’t see, but my eyes have rolled so far back into my head that all you can see is the white.) The two old friends didn’t actually get around to meeting up this episode, but they talked! And they agreed to meet up! This is progress! Then again, this is also the Real Housewives of Orange County, so maybe we shouldn’t get too ahead of ourselves.
When Meghan and Lydia took a hike (literally, in the hills) to talk about the drag queen bingo showdown, Lydia ended up admitting she was on Kelly’s side. Lydia seems to think that asking someone about a rumor is the same as making up a rumor about someone, which obviously did not go down well with Meghan.
Shannon and her husband finally sat down to really talk about what is going on between the two of them, although they decided to do it on her birthday (I don’t know, guys) which felt a little strange. If you’re this overdue for an honest conversation, would it really hurt to wait another night or two? Anyways, it was a mixture of hopeful and awful, which is actually incredibly real and probably one of the more relatable moments I have ever seen on this show. Figuring out the path forward does often feel kind of like a long, awkward pause before leaving the room to check on dinner — but then, still eating dinner together. My heart went out to those two this week.
Then, there was Kelly, still stirring her damn pots. At Vicki’s birthday party she told Vicki and Lizzie Rovsek (a former Housewife) how she had a friend who worked with Tamra’s husband, Eddie, and how everyone at their work thought Eddie was gay. Vicki’s friend Ricky then mentioned he once saw Eddie make out with a guy, and Vicki was way too interested in all this information for anyone’s good.
Last, but not least: my favorite Housewife, Peggy. Peggy told it like it is, and that meant Lydia got called out for RSVP-ing as a “yes” to Eddie’s birthday dinner and then backing out to go to Vicki’s. Peggy wins the award for Realest Housewife this week.
What to expect: Now Vicki is going to have to weigh out her options — indulge her curiosity with all this gossip about Tamra’s husband or set that aside to repair their damaged friendship. You can count on her decision to rattle some cages, either way. You’ve got some fairly fierce women on either side of this issue, women who have never been afraid to speak their minds.
Odds of Vicki caving to temptation, and digging into the gossip about Eddie: 1/4
She definitely isn’t going to earn any Emmy’s for her performance pretending to not be interested in what people were saying about Eddie. I’m betting that Vicki and Tamra have a lot of distance to cover before Vicki feels the responsibility of friendship once again.
Odds of Tamra and Vicki having their chat this coming week: 2/7
I really think this is about to happen, you guys. Vicki and Tamra had that nice long phone chat, and the door has been swung wide open. They’ve missed one another — we all know they have, deep down. Besides, getting their two cents in is how these Housewives make their living.
Where we’re at: Well, you guys, another summer has come and gone in Paradise. Yes, the tides have turned, the sun has set, and our couples have gone home after what was technically the shortest season to date — but felt quite the opposite. Each couple was given the choice to either 1) leave alone, 2) leave together, or 3) spend one final date (Fantasy Suite time, baby!) together in Paradise. Lacey and Daniel chose the Fantasy suite, even though Daniel referred to himself as Lacey’s “king” and also to the “Fourth of July” waiting in his pants for her. I hated every minute, but Lacey laughed, so I guess there really is someone out there for everyone.
Raven and Adam also decided that they weren’t ready to say goodbye quite yet, choosing a night in the Fantasy Suite together, and you guuuys, it worked! Spoiler alert: they’re still together, months later.
Then, there was Dean. Dean, Dean, Dean. The one-time-American-sweetheart, Dean Unglert. Just as Danielle was about to tell him she wanted that Fantasy Suite time with him, he swiped left so hard and told her that he can’t stop thinking about Kristina — whom he apparently loves now? What?! I felt a complete lack of sympathy for the man as he cried in his interview about what an idiot he had been. Ya played ya’self, Dean.
As for the others? Jack Stone and Christen, Diggy and Dom, Robby and Amanda, and Jasmine and Jonathan all decided to leave alone, and honestly, it’s for the best.
Now, listen, I am not the biggest fan of these After the Final Rose reunions. To be frank, they feel forced and pointless to me. So it’s not like I am comparing this season’s reunion to anything really great, yet it genuinely managed to disappoint me to a level I wasn’t ready for. The first thing we had to bear witness to was another Corinne and DeMario interview. Come on, ABC. This time they were sitting side by side, obviously reassuring us all the the investigation proved nothing happened, thereby stroking ABC’s ego just a little bit more. It was cheap, even for After the Final Rose.
The only other slightly interesting tidbits of information we squeezed out of the affair was that Raven and Adam are still together (as I just said), oh, and that Derek wants to spend his life with Taylor. So much so that he got down on one knee and asked her to marry him! They actually seemed very happy together, and I really, really hope they are, because this girl needs a silver lining around an otherwise dreary season.
What’s next: Nada, folks! Just Derek and Taylor’s wedded bliss, and Dean Unglert’s much-needed life transformation.
Where we’re at: Our second — and last — semifinal round has passed, meaning we are officially down to the Top Ten contestants! And I am straight up shocked about one of the decisions. Early favorite Celine Tam was sent home on Wednesday’s results show, and legitimately the only thing I can think to say is, “What?!” The 10-year old gave a heartfelt rendition of “How Far I’ll Go” from the movie Moana, but it wasn’t enough to keep her around. According to Mel B, the performance was “too musical theater,” but honestly, of course it was. It was a Disney song, Mel. And while we’re talking about it, since when has a 10-year old singing musical theater-esque songs been a bad thing? Someone explain this to me, please.
What to expect next: Next stop, the finals!
Odds of Celine Tam getting a record deal, regardless of elimination: 4/9
This is only the beginning of the road for our sweet Celine.
Odds of Darci Lynne Farmer winning it all: 5/4
She has got the whole AGT package: she is young, she is talented, she has a unique performance that seems even more impressive considering her age.
Featured photo: America’s Got Talent judge, Mel B. (kriston78 (Flickr) [CC License])
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