It’s finally come to this: college football’s national title game. The most important event in the world.* The whole banana. This Monday, perennial championship contender Alabama will square off with SEC rival Georgia at Mercedes-Benz Stadium in Atlanta. Nick Saban and the Tide will be looking for their fifth national title since 2009, while Kirby Smart is hoping to bring Georgia its first national championship since 1980 in his second season with the Bulldogs.
Since Baker Mayfield and his Sooners didn’t make it to the title game, we felt it necessary to set some odds for your enjoyment. You know, just in case power run-games and suffocating defense aren’t your idea of a good time. Hopefully they’re enough to hold Trump’s attention, otherwise we’re liable to see a tweet-storm from a disinterested POTUS on how Colin Kaepernick somehow ruined college football along with the NFL.
*Unless you’re a UCF fan.
Title Game and Team Props
Odds to win the 2017-18 national championship
Alabama: 5/8
Georgia: 8/5
Our odds give Georgia more credit than most sportsbooks, and it still might not be enough.
Odds the game comes down to last play: 9/11
Three of the last five games have been decided by less than a touchdown, which means that (whichever way the ball is going) the game technically came down to the last play of the game.
Odds to return to the national championship game next season
Alabama: 3/1
Georgia: 4/1
Odds on a title game rematch next year: 29/1
This isn’t as simple as adding up the odds above. A very particular set of circumstances had to play out in order for two SEC teams to make the College Football Playoff. Also, the Selection Committee might learn some harsh lessons about intra-conference title games and their ratings next week. Maybe mix it up a little next time?
Odds Nick Saban & Kirby Smart return to their respective schools next season
Saban: 1/9
Smart: 1/10
Saban might explode if the Tide lose their second straight title game. Also you can’t rule out the odds of an assassination.
Alabama DB Minkah Fitzpatrick tackles an FSU WR (Scott Donaldson/Icon Sportswire)
Over/Under first-round NFL draft picks for …
Alabama: 3.5
Georgia: 2.0
Alabama’s potential first-rounders include Minkah Fitzpatrick, Calvin Ridley, Da’Ron Payne, Ronnie Harrison, and Damien Harris; while the Bulldogs roster features Roquan Smith, Nick Chubb, and Sony Michel.
Over/Under eventual draft position for …
Jalen Hurts (Alabama QB): 32.5
Jake Fromm (Georgia QB): 64.5
Jake Fromm (Georgia QB): 64.5
Over/Under Kirby Smart’s tenure at Georgia: 5.5 years
That goes up considerably if they win on Monday. A title buys you a lot of job security. Just ask Mike McCarthy.
Odds the person who replaces Mark Richt at Miami wins a national championship with the Hurricanes: 12/1
Weird and Wacky Props
Odds on the color of Gatorade dumped on the winning coach
Red: 7/3
Blue: 7/3
Orange: 13/2
Lemon Lime (the best one): 13/2
Purple: 13/2
There are four colors (red, purple, lemon lime, orange) of Gatorade available in the liquid concentrate you use to make large quantities, which would set these odds at 3/1, or 25%, plus maybe a little extra for red, the color both teams wear, and the color Nick Saban has been doused with in his previous two national title wins. Pretty simple, right? Except earlier this year Kirby got doused with blue, which Georgia has on the sideline, somehow. Do they get blue liquid concentrate, which isn’t commercially available, from Gatorade? Do they mix vast quantities of the powder themselves? It could secretly be Powerade Mountain Blast, which is available as a concentrate, but doesn’t match with the Gatorade-branded coolers Georgia is using. You have to give blue a little edge, because it’s obviously important enough to Georgia that they’re going out of their way to have it. Grape is last because it’s trash.
Odds on whether more _______ chants will be audible on the national championship telecast
Calling the Dawgs: 4/5
Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer/Roll Tide (combined): 5/4
Odds on who Donald Trump will be cheering for
Georgia: 1/5
Alabama: 5/1
Alabama just elected a Democrat to the Senate for the first time in 25 years. The only way he’s cheering for Alabama is if, for some reason, he holds Auburn accountable for Doug Jones’ win.
Over/under number of times Donald Trump is shown on the national championship telecast: 5.5
At least once in the pre-game and then once per quarter, at minimum, right?
Over/under number of tweets from Donald Trump’s official Twitter account between kickoff and the final whistle: 3.5
He averages about five per day, or at least he did during his first six months in office. This is either going to stay well under or fly past the over; it all depends on whether he finds anything about the game tweet-worthy.
Odds any players take a knee during the national anthem: 3/1
Hey, speaking of things he might find “tweet-worthy.”
Odds Donald Trump pulls a Mike Pence (walks out after national anthem): 9/1
We all know Pence’s walk-out was staged, right? Even if players take a knee, there’s a better chance Trump storms the field than walks out. He’s, how do you say, impulsive.
Odds someone parachutes onto the field at Mercedes-Benz Stadium: 30/1
Red Bull could do it, but (for reasons you can probably figure out) they don’t do a lot of stunts live. Nobody paid $2000 for a ticket to see Skylar Aspen or whoever suffer grievous bodily harm on a 60,000 square-foot jumbotron.
Odds on a streaker at the national championship game
Male: 10/1
Female: 50/1
Again, there’s a difference between people who would pay $2000 to get escorted out of the national championship game (hello!) and people who can pay. Also female streakers are exceedingly rare. The last person to streak a national title game was this unnamed hero, who was evidently promoting something called DaHouseMoney.com, a website that has (sadly) since gone down.
Odds an animal runs onto the field: 40/1
Unlikely. Mercedes-Benz stadium is a pretty well-sealed envelope, so the only risk is a wayward bird getting very lost, and they don’t so much “run” … unless it’s an ostrich. I don’t think we’re going to see an ostrich on the field.
Odds the winning team’s fans knock the goal posts down: 8/1
It’s in neither of these team’s cultures to knock down goal posts, and Alabama hasn’t done it in years. Also security at Mercedes-Benz stadium is nothing if not tight.
Odds fans throw debris on the field: 6/1
These are people who paid upwards of $2000 for a ticket, so make your own assumptions about how stuffy they are.
Odds on the most likely debris to be thrown on the field
Empty drink containers: 7/3
Georgia merchandise: 8/1
Alabama merchandise: 8/1
MAGA merchandise: 12/1
Dildos: 20/1
FIELD: 3/2
My boss says peaches, but Georgia peaches aren’t growing until mid-May, and throwing Chinese peaches on that field might be some form of treason. Dildos, a fan favorite in Buffalo, are out because of the aforementioned stuffiness. As always, empty drinks are the favorite, as they’re both cheap and readily available.
